"shelter" - Humour?!

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.
The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that John, hung himself in the bathroom and died." 
David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

For a T-shirt?
People like you 
are the reason 
people like me

Need
Medication

And another
'You're driving me insane, but since it's such a short distance I think I'll walk!.....

A Prayer For The Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember when I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth. ;-)

Stressed out? Don't try this at home and preferably never at work! .....Warning! Long download - about 1.5 mins at 28.8 - but might make you laugh. (You will need to have Media Player or similar installed)

THE RULES

The FEMALE always makes the RULES.
The Rules are subject to change without notice.
No MALE can possibly know all the Rules.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES
she must immediately change some or all of the RULES.

The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something wrong the MALE did or said.
The MALE must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the 
FEMALE wants him to be angry and / or upset.

The MALE is expected to mind - read at all times.
The MALE who doesn't abide by the RULES , can't take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

Any attempt by the male to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the FEMALE has PMT, all the RULES may be null and void.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.

Self Confidence or what!

ZEN THOUGHTS
  
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

More one-liners

Early birds gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves - Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jam to a tree.

2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of his scheduled delivery. This trip was to a well-know cheapskate in town. After handing over the pizza, the consumer asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," said the boy, "this is my first time here, but the other drivers say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the cheapo.
"Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars!"

"Thanks," replied the kid, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked the new victim.

The boy smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking 
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of its electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded and drew a large sign, holding it in a window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".

"Friendship is what binds the world together in peace.
May we all become friends"

Subject: email; jokes

Hi ......
Subject: The reason for e-mail Jokes 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. 

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" 

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. 
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. 
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." 
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. 
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" 
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." 
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. 
"There should be a bowl by the pump." 

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. 

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. 
"This is Heaven," was the answer. 
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." 
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." 
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" 
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this will explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. 
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. 

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and wanted to send you a smile. :-) 

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor.
"Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.